Some Days Are Harder Then Others

Today is hard. The day is still new, but my heart is heavy.
Outside, the sky is clear and blue, the sun is shining. It's September but it feels like a mid-summer day...hot, humid, breezy. There are cicadas "chirping", I can hear lawnmowers going...looking out the windows, it's a beautiful day.

But...

My heart and mind are thousands of miles away.

My heart is aching for my (our) daughter/sister who's missing.

It's not just aching, like you miss a friend or family member who lives out-of-state. This is an ache that I'm not sure I can find words to accurately describe. It's an ache that makes it hard to breathe, an ache that makes me want to sit in a corner and cry..but it's more, my heart, hurts, deeply. It's the ache of a mother's heart who's missing her daughter.


It's a pain I've never experienced.

And, for now, there's no "quick fix", no real way to dull that pain or make it go away.

There's a part of me that wants to "run" from this pain, to distract myself, to find something that will lessen this ache, and I'm sure I could find something to distract me enough to "help" but I don't think that's what I'm supposed to do.

Sunday at church, I was thinking about our daughter (she's never, ever far from my thoughts) and praying for her, and missing her, and close to tears, but I stopped myself from crying (there were some other things I was thinking about related to her). As I was fighting the tears, at one point, God came with His gentle whisperings...

I believe He was telling me that I need to allow myself to feel this ache, this hurt, no matter how hard or deep it is, I need to experience this pain.

This ache and pain will be for a season.

Joy will come.

Joy overflowing!

Today is hard, very hard. Thankfully, everyday is not like this. I miss her daily, but there are days that come, like today where it's almost unbearable...

But even in this pain, this I-miss-her-so-much-it-hurts-to-breathe...I am thankful.

So thankful.

We still don't know her name, we still have no picture, yet my heart is wrecked in a beautiful way. And only God could have brought my heart to this place.

So for now, I wait, I pray, I cry, I miss, I ache, I seek comfort from the One who knows my daughter, I trust, and I allow myself to live through this pain, until my tears are turned into tears of joy; joy overflowing.