There's a small bit of clarity, understanding, sense made of what I've been feeling for the last almost month and a half.
One of the biggest fears/concerns I had about adoption (there are still others) that was silenced has now become this place of pain, aching, confusion, depression almost...
Love.
Love for a little girl with almond eyes who lives on the other side of the globe.
I love her deeply. I ache for her. It physically hurts sometimes to not be able to hold her, kiss her, snuggle her, right here, right now.
My mind is confused. It doesn't quite know what to do with this love.
When I gave birth to my kids, there was, for me, an instant bond, on my end. I had loved them for the months they lived and grew inside of me. And when I held them, each of them, for the first time, that love, however possible, became stronger. My eyes beheld them in their pink, squishy, newborn beauty. My heart burst with love for them. I would protect them at all costs. That fierce, gentle, all-consuming, mother's love. My other children have been with me since day 1. For 9 months I held them and protected them under my heart. When they were born, I held them in my arms. I've never had to love them from afar.
This little girl who's face we don't know. I love. I love her so much it hurts.
I can't see her. I don't know her.
I can't dry her tears. I don't know if she's afraid.
I can't hug and kiss her. I don't know if anyone does.
I sometimes see her when I dream...but she's elusive, I never quite see her face.
My mind is looking for her face. This love that's pent-up inside, waiting to be given to her. It's looking for her.
I see faces of beautiful almond eyed children online. My heart sometimes whispers, "could it be you?". My mind tries to remember the face I've seen in my dreams. Nothing. We still have months to wait.
There are many days it's easier to be indifferent, to try and not think about her. But my heart never allows that thinking for long, she is, after all my daughter, I can't deny her.
I just wish I had a picture.
So on the days that my mind is spinning, wondering what in the world to do with the love for this little girl who's not physically here. I can look at that picture and calm myself down.
Perhaps, that's not how it works? I've heard and read of many adoptive parents who say it's even harder to wait once you have the picture.
I just have days, many recently, that I wonder what to do with the emotions that come along with not having a picture. This is all new territory for me. And recently it's been so much harder then I care to admit.
I wish I could say I had a great way to wrap up this post (which I'm not sure made any sense) and put a pretty bow on it, but honestly I've got nothing.
The truth is I've had a lot more days of knowing what to say and what the right answers are, but even knowing the answers on many days has not made things any easier.
Trusting God the way we've had to over these past months has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, and the scary thing is we've probably only barely scratched the surface of where God is leading us to trust Him.
God has brought us to a place where all we can do is trust. There is absolutely nothing we can do in our power right now to speed anything along. I know it's a good place. To be completely reliant on Him. But it's not easy...not easy at all.
So we will continue to wait, continue to pray, continue to trust...
